Downtown Christianity, Downtown Christians, and a Downtown Christ

Mitchell, Brody, Shannon, and Shelby,

When I talk about the frustration of not being able to to "Christian" things, it seems that everyone inclines to take the subject the wrong way.  Except my main issue isn't that I don't feel Christian enough.  Rather, it's the lack of connection and relationship I have with my friends, or people I would like to be friends with.

See, we're good at saying "You don't have to do church things in order to be Christian."  Yet, it seems that sometimes our culture nonetheless praises specifically ecclesiastical acts more than anything particularly mundane.  We encourage values that are distinctly Christian, like mission trips, and passionately hug the people who do such things for the example they set.

You're so good that you're okay!
What, my compliment is lame?
Whoops!  Oh well!

The normal people?  Well, I guess they'll get a prize for showing up.  Normally, the most congratulations that we give them is "It's okay that you're not leading an obvious Christian life."  That's their trophy: being "okay."  We go on telling them that they're okay and telling them that they're okay.  We tell them and tell them, and tell them and tell them and tell them.  If we ever say that they're living an amazing life, that the things they do are amazing, we usually don't bring Jesus into it.  So it goes on, and we say that "It's okay."

When we unceremoniously hitch a ride
on that ugly freight train heading to
someplace around the corner that
we can never see.

Then they die, and we talk about how they were the most loving person in the world.  I'm never inclined to believe in the sincerity of those statements.  I feel that people would have said those things more often while the dead person was alive if they really meant it.  Their memories were either quite romanticized, or they made for terrible friends and family who knew that their departed member was Christlike and decided to never acknowledge or embrace that until after it became socially convenient.

When my grandfather died, I tried to break this pattern and failed.  Sure, I complimented people more often, but it just seemed that I was more likely to compliment people for being "servants of the living Christ" if they did something religious versus any other modest display of good character.

Meanwhile, there is such a pressure in modern society to "lead."  Ever notice that this is often elevated to the point of being one of the more common virtues?  People go to leadership summits, listen to seminars about leadership, huddle up for pep talks about leadership, hear speeches praising individuals for leadership.  Even our churches push that mentality.  We love nothing more than a success story.

These grand delusions of recognition and relevance appeal to me.

The message is clear.  Be a leader or go home.

Within Christianity, certain things usually get brought up.  Now fortunately, we don't necessarily preach this to ourselves as "these are the things we must do if we are Christian," but we do press several issues and come up with a system of Christian priorities.  One of them is participation in a small group built around spiritual nourishment, growth, and Biblical studies.  The other that I hear quite often is "outreach."  Sometimes that means outreach into the surrounding area, or some sort of focus on charity, or mission trips to bring the Gospel to groups who haven't heard it.

These are all good things.  They are all important.  Unfortunately, I have been unable to participate in any of those things.  It's life, and these things are quite often beyond my control.  Most of the time, even writing this blog is actually inconvenient and irresponsible to God when He's put me in situations where I'm really supposed to be focused on other things.  If I can't be an active force in these big issues, particularly evangelism, charity work, and my writing, what are my priorities?

As it happens, I really do want to engage in those things.  You could say that I have failed at that, but failure is tricky.  In our junior year of high school, we were made to watch a video about changing our perspectives on reality.  We often limit ourselves by only looking at certain things, but if we just step back and stop having an agenda in what we're seeing, we notice important details that we might have otherwise missed.  One of the important lessons that I learned there — and since have had quite a bit of practice in — is seeing "failure" as an unforeseen opportunity.  Not as something bad that we learn from, but genuinely an opportunity.  This way of looking at things helps me quite a bit, because it's hard to keep me down, and when I gain momentum I have a greater tendency to keep that momentum.

And beyond that, Grace.  I do not consider myself so good that I can go without repeating that with every entry.  It's necessary to highlight Grace, and repeatedly define it so that it's more than just a word.  So it's necessary to say that Grace doesn't mean that I pray more often, or have been inspired to live a better life.  Grace isn't some gateway drug that gets me into the Christian life.  It isn't the fuel that gets me to a destination.  Grace is so much more than that, precisely because it's so simple.  Because Grace really isn't anything but Grace.

Grace is unmerited and unrelated to behavior.  Grace transforms us, but the transformation isn't the point.  Grace sticks with us even when our Christian momentum slows down.  Grace is something the rich in spirit need just as much as the poor in spirit.  Grace causes the first to be last, and the last to be first.  Grace is for complete losers.  Grace allows us to not worry about tomorrow.  Grace doesn't exist in order to improve us, but because God loves us.

We eat of that fruit again.  And again.

Then we try to complicate it.  We complicate it precisely because we need it.  We'll try to add on implications to Grace and define appropriate ways of responding.  And there are implications.  Yet we set out to define ourselves by the implications of Grace instead of by Grace itself.  It's a circular kind of poison.




So, of course, the most obvious implications of Grace would be gratitude, and we set out to try and define what it looks like.  We acknowledge that Grace is big, so we try to make the implications big.  We always focus on the big implications, the big reactions that we could have.  And they aren't always bad, but I know that it's a mathematical fact that when you try to measure yourself by the momentum of your Christian walk, the diagram to the right becomes true.

When we confront the "less exciting" realities of life, one of our natural coping mechanisms is to say "Well, I suppose that my calling in life is to find a less obvious Christian pastime.  I guess I'm not called to live as Christ lived.  I'm not meant to do anything spectacular."  We say that because we know that it's wrong to beat ourselves up over it.

Except that doesn't quite work.  God does call you to live as Christ lived.  He does have a remarkable plan and purpose for you that involves guiding you in the footsteps in Jesus.  We can't belittle God by saying that His plan isn't grand.  We can say that our brightly burning Christian walk doesn't always follow worldly wisdom for what religion must look like.  If someone thinks that they're merely a less conspicuous Christian, I'll tell them that they're so Christian that they are in fact the poster child!

I may not always have the time to look like a Christian, and my participation in ecclesiastical structures might seem invisible, but that doesn't mean that this isn't who I am.

After all, I've always considered myself a writer.  I haven't written a single book, and I haven't put any of my fiction down to paper yet, but in my mind I am still a writer.  I am also a traveler, even though I rarely go anywhere and have never left the country, but I still encountered this as a tangible part of my inner being when I ran around town to take several pictures just for the sake of this entry, and when I put on my jacket to bike through hills and wind to see Brody last fall.  It isn't "traveling" in the Indiana Jones sense, but it's a sign of what will naturally pour out of my identity into my occupation when the circumstances are right.  Because of Grace, identity comes before occupation.  I know that I have this identity in Christ's body because I have seen the hands and feet, brief glimpses of God's creative nature in me.  Those hands and feet must have come from somewhere.

So when people say that art and evangelism simply isn't a part of who I am, I understand that they're trying to comfort me, but I also think that they're wrong.  What are their criteria?  That I have "failed?"  That it's currently inconvenient?  What I see is a person fearfully and wonderfully made in God, Who wants me to embrace my truest self.  While it is still hard to see exactly how these passions will work their ways outwardly into my life, Grace allows me to have no shame in saying that these things are still part of who I am.

I also consider myself to be a Christian in a relationship with the church, although it doesn't always look like it because of how busy I am.  It might look to outsiders like it's something secondary, since I only involve myself in Christian activities — not counting liturgical services — maybe once a month.

My situation isn't the most ideal, but I make due with what I have.  I'm a resourceful guy.  If anyone criticizes me for not being able to participate in Christian leadership, that's their problem.  I take issue with that.

I can see the signs of an industrious spirit,
but there's all this tangled stuff in the way!

All of those little things that we prioritize as a Christian community, even if they are quite good, ultimately become religious instead of spiritual.  It's become the theologically correct catchphrase to say "I dislike religion.  I'm more of a spiritual person."  So we do all of the Christian things and rename them "spiritual," and consider it good.  The moment we take an ideal and make a virtue out of it, it becomes religious.  Someone might organize a potluck in the name of Christ and say that it's spiritual instead of religious since they did it as a relatively spontaneous act and independent of any church ordinance — I still have my doubts.

There are actually some things that really frustrate me.  I'm trying to describe something good, but I really don't think people are going to truly understand where I'm coming from unless I talk about the possible alternative.  I said before that my lack of "Christian" activity frustrated me, not because I felt bad about myself, but because of odd relationships it creates with others.  There is a distinct problem that needs addressing here.  It needs to be named, to be defined, to be given a face, so that way I can more fully move on to finding answers to these issues.

So here's what really gets under my skin:

I.  Think.  I.  Can.  I.  Think.  I.  Can.

I've been judged for not leading.  I remember feeling down and out, disappointed with a failed semester at college and lamenting that I didn't have "momentum."  My social life was fairly disappointing as well, not because I didn't have friends, but because I was always a secondary or incidental friend who never had an active hand in shaping the character of the group — or so it felt to me at the time.

So anyway, someone tells me where I got it all wrong.  He tells me what real momentum is, what it means to be an alpha male, and it was the simplest thing ever.  "Being an Alpha Male is being a leader in a Christian group, and having a job there.  You have to go more often, participate more often, and..."

In other words, I had to become an insider.  What he just described was something that actually appealed to me.  He basically told me to apply for official status as part of the cast and crew of a Christian youth ministries.  When I'm looking for a more spiritually engaging life, it sounded like a very positive sort of encouragement.

Except his attitude toward me was condescending.  Oh, I understand that he only meant to judge the sin in me, but when you're up close and know someone, you can tell when they're judging you as a person.  Even if you give them the benefit of the doubt, you can feel it.

Other people have given me similar attitudes.  "Have you lead a Bible study?"  I've heard people list off things that I could do to build my spiritual growth.  Among them, one of the most common I've heard has been "Start and lead a Bible study."  I often hear people boast about how they lead their Bible study groups, or at least how they basically co-founded one among a small group of friends.

On the surface, it looks admirable, and most certainly humble, but after repeated mentions of it I really get the impression that they're fairly insecure.  They most certainly care what others think of them, in spite of everything they say to the contrary.  Imagine if I started a Bible study, and I regularly mentioned it to an audience who highly values that particular religious devotion.  I might even — oh, I don't know — mention it while trying to score a date with a pretty Christian girl.  Would anyone call me out on that?  In my experience, I know that people, on some intuitive level, would not feel entirely free around me.  They inevitably seek out friendships with other people because, for lack of a better way of putting it, those other people just felt right.

So there's that.  It's one of the issues I have with people who try to shoot for the "Christian" things because, ultimately, they're insecure.  It's hard to say who's doing those things out of their natural sense of identity and who's wearing the name brand because of insecurity and lack of Grace, especially since most people are smart enough to claim "I don't do it because I have to, but because I want to."  Just get up close and know a person, though, and you can tell.

The problem doesn't stop there.  Here's my next beef:

There was one youth outreach ministry that valued Christian growth and could never really be content with accepting normal people into its fold.

And yes, I say "fold."  One of their popular kids said "We're not a clique — I swear!"  The fact that anyone needed to clarify this essentially proved that they were a clique.

I walked the walk and had the tracks to show for it.

Because it's a Christian group, it's a friendly place when you first visit.  After all, they were trying to reach out to unchurched people.  But I kept on coming.  And I did some rather fantastic things in my regular life.  You know, the life I have "outside" of church.  The one that has nothing to do with religion.  In any case, they were impressed with me.  They wanted me.  I would make a good poster child for the cause.

Of course, I wasn't a poster child yet because I had to channel all of that capacity for amazing works into "Christian" things.

Personally, I didn't change who I was.  My home, my ecclesiastical "immediate family," was elsewhere.  It also wasn't the right time in my life to make a major commitment toward any particular group of people (and it still isn't).  When they realized this, I noticed something.

This group was knit together quite well.  They said that everyone was welcome, that everyone was equally their friend, but that didn't really play out in practice.  The extent to which they considered someone a friend depended on how much of an "insider" they were.  I knew the insiders.  They were "official" members of this group.  They spent a great deal of time in this group.

Hey, I spent several summers volunteering at a Catholic Vacation Bible School.  Doesn't that mean that we have a common bond?

No, because it wasn't participation in their group.  And while I actually did participate in that group, it wasn't enough.  I felt that I couldn't truly have a connection unless I explicitly identified with them as my immediate family.  For a while there, I suppose they thought that they had a new member.  They also said to make sure to bring people from my hometown to start participating.

"Participation."

It began to become an identifying feature of Christianity.  In spite of how often I see people say that their identity is in Christ, I see various alternatives hidden behind smiles that they themselves don't know are fake.  In the case of that group, it was participation.  Participation defined who they were and how they experienced relationships with one another.  They were inviting to outsiders, but only sincerely caring towards their participating insiders — and one would have to wonder if that was any real kind of caring at all.


Then I distinctly remember one person who, on a few occasions, said "My main joy in life is worshiping Christ."  Her joy can from the feeling that she should be joyful, because that's what Christians do.  Specifically, she always did this within the Christian group.

Participation.

It's what Christians do in order to measure their Christianity and their usefulness to God.  They have to participate, but not just anywhere.  They have to participate in a Christian group dedicated to spiritual growth.

Hey there!  Remember me?

And then there are people like me who somehow lack any label.

Fruits of the Spirit, y'all.

Because of societal pressure, I'm inclined to feel ashamed about that.  If I was somebody, I would surely have a label.  But the problem with people who will ask for your participation as your first step toward spiritual growth is that they become greedy.  If the have enough self-control to avoid monopolizing your participation, they will still try to push you in the direction of participating toward something that they can label.



"Catholic Vacation Bible School?  That's great!  Oh wait, you quit?  What went wrong?  Are you not as spiritual as you were before?  What can I do to help make sure that you start growing again in Christ?"

There's the porn of watching a train wreck, but some people
don't need the wreck in order to lust after the atmosphere
of a train yard.

When we delight in the growth of friends, is is really true joy?  Or is it just the positive counterpart to when we look twice at a train wreck?  You know what I mean; there's a demon inside of us that absolutely loves seeing disasters.  It's perverse.  In the same way, sometimes I wonder if the swell of pride and sense of victory we feel when one of our brothers or sisters grows from being a mere working class Christian to a charismatic evangelist really only amounts to some sort of Christian porn.

Heavy words!

That's my second issue.  I really don't like that this happens, and I'm pretty sensitive to the subject matter.  The examples I give aren't extreme, but they are still fairly obvious.  Ever since encountering obvious situations like that, though, I've just become so much more aware.  I know that God forgives us for our habitual desire for labels and control, our insecurity, and our tendency to set our trust in Christ's Grace at a conservative 1%.  Yet, I think these weaknesses should be addressed.  After all, it is possible to twist ourselves so that our faith dips from 1% to 0%.

Mortal sin right there.

Now that I've addressed these things which I consider antithetical to my views on what the church and the Christian walk are supposed to be, how do I move on?  How do I justify and exalt the Christians who don't do the "Christian" thing?

"It's nine o'clock on a Saturday.  The regular crowd shuffles in."

Recently, I began listening to my old favorites from Billy Joel for the first time in a while.  The last time I did that, I was under loads of pressure to do more things in the name of Christianity.

Something really hit me while listening to "Uptown Girl."

As you guys know, I really fell for an "Uptown Girl" a couple of years back.  She was a highbrow Christian, who did all of the Christian things.  She prayed, joined Bible Study groups, and so forth.  There was nothing in which she needed any reformation.

Then, meanwhile, there was that bad boy, Johnny.  Me.  Someone who could clearly be reformed.  I was the "Downtown man."

So there are Uptown Christians.  Then there are Downtown Christians.  You know, the people who don't have any of the royal marks of Christianity.  The people who almost practically look like they reject Christianity half the time, or at the very least like they're lukewarm.  Surely it's better to be rich, and it's the charitable responsibility of the Uptown Christians to give to the Downtown Christians so that they, too, may wear all the fine marks of the faith.


Zealotry.  Missions.  Bible study groups.  Piety.  Donations to charity.  Leadership in small groups.  Fundraising.  Taking prayer requests.  Having answers to difficult questions.  Listening to Christian music.  Wearing shirts with Bible verses on them.  Writing a Christian blog.  Et cetera.

Looks pretty, right?  Not having the time is one thing, but surely no one would ever actually say that they have better things to do.

Except Billy Joel strikes a completely different chord for me.  He's not hoping for the Uptown Girl to convert him.  He's trying to convert her.  He's trying to get her to loosen up.  He doesn't want to be judged for being a Downtown Man who doesn't have much high society.  He cherishes this identity.

In fact, he thought it was quite sexy.

Or maybe he isn't trying to convert her.  Maybe she just wants her to believe him.  Maybe he only really just wants her to love him back, and to love for him for who he is.  He seems perfectly willing to love her for who she is and is really quite fond of her Uptown-ness.

Your "Okay Level" is over 9,000!

I'm in love with that sweet "okay" aroma!

So maybe the question isn't whether or not being a measly Downtown Christian who never moves beyond the simple pots and pans of everyday living is a bad thing.  Most of us have the maturity to encourage Downtown Christians and say that it's okay that they aren't missionaries or Bible group leaders, because God has a plan for every sort of Christian, because a relationship with God looks different for different people, and so forth.

I'm going to school for welding.  I work at McDonald's.  And let me tell you, this isn't merely a different way of living out my Christian faith.  When I get up in the morning, knowing that I'm about to put on safety glasses and smell napalm argon, it satisfies me.  It's a glorious Christian life.  Then I put on my earphones, listen to work music.  "Hi-ho!".  "Piano Man".  "Allentown".  "The Downeaster 'Alexa'".  "Anvil Chorus" Il trovatore.

Getting down, getting greasy, getting burnt, lowering myself to something menial.

It's very spiritual.

God created man in His image.  God is Creator.  The reflection of Himself that He created and put in creatures is, by nature, a creative force as well.  Man doesn't create so much as build from what has already been created.  He's a steward over the Garden, a carpenter who's given the honor of leaving his own mark on the earth.  Before the Fall, simply doing things, whatever he could aspire to do, was good.  Stewardship came from Adam's own, unadulterated humanity.

Jesus did things out of His humanity as well.  We always talk about becoming more Christlike, more godly in our actions, but Jesus was fully God and fully man as well.  It isn't right to say that He did something out of His God nature.  Our justification hinges on how He lived in fullness and goodness out of His humanity as well.

Are we trying to become godly at the expense of reveling in our own humanity?  I don't even think it's possible to grow in godliness without diving into our humanity alongside it.

Before He started His ministry, Jesus did absolutely nothing to suggest that He was the Messiah.  Once He was baptized and began wandering the Holy Land as a rabbi, the people of His home town refused to believe that there was anything sacred about Him.  "He was a nice guy, but the Messiah?  Sure, He's acting all righteous now, but He was just an average schmoe when we knew Him.  The carpenter's son?  Fah!""

Who would suspect a common laborer on the back end of the train of being God?

Even Jesus felt the condemnation of not being Christian enough!  And yet He was perfect!  He didn't even need to be "Christian enough" because He was Christ!  What's more, He spend more time being normal than He did doing all of the things that an Uptown Christ was supposed to do.  And He most certainly never wrote a Christian blog.

Are we so arrogant that we presume that Jesus' life before His ministry was less important and Messianic than His life during His ministry!  I think that there's a fairly good reason that He kept the first thirty years of His life as mundane as ever.  And it wasn't because of circumstance.  I believe that He chose to be mundane, because that was what He wanted spiritually.

Building bridges

So actually, instead of seeing Downtown Christians as an alternative to Uptown Christians, I think that the spirituality found in Downtown Christianity is something we all actually need if we wish to grow spiritually.

The real question I have is whether or not Uptown Christians can have an intimate and equal relationship with Downtown Christians.  And before you think I'm using the dating relationship within the song "Uptown Girl" allegorically, I'm not.  I'm talking about intimate interpersonal relationships.

When my friends lead praise groups, Bible studies, charity events, and when they go on mission trips, I'm happy for them.  I'm also quite happy for myself and what I do in my own time.  I've grown mature enough not to compare myself to them for those things (even though on a knee-jerk level, I sometimes feel inferior, because insecurity is human).  What I still find a little difficult, though, is maintaining intimate relationships with them.

Just to name one activity in particular: mission trips.  I don't feel bad that my friends have gone on mission trips and that I haven't.  I'm realistic to understand that it is God's will that I first seek out my education and explore the working-class world.  I'm content with that.  I enjoy living as a Downtown Christian because of the raw and authentic relationship with myself that develops from it.  Yet, I wonder how much I can relate to my friends.  I didn't share their spiritual experience with them.  And in particular, what if I want to court with someone who has a heart for missions, and has already had quite a bit of experience in that field?  Are we unevenly yoked?  Can there genuinely be a real connection there?  Can we completely share in our spiritual journey?

If you want the short answer, "Yes."  I rely on experience rather than theory here, and I've seen it happen.  Not consistently, but I know that it does happen.  How do I explain this, though?

Well first, I've learned from mistakes.  I've seen how this doesn't work out, first from that person who told me to participate more, then from that youth group that asked me to participate more.  Then I learned from my literal Uptown Girl.

Downtown

The real person that Billy Joel wrote that song to, by the way, turned him down.  That's what happened with me, too.  "I know for a fact that he's not the one God set aside for me."  It was a bit insulting to hear that she had said this behind my back after the multiple times she led me on with those refined "come hither" looks.  Maybe she ascertained before I ever articulated them that we had our theological differences, but I think it was because of the distinction she made between Uptown Christians and Downtown Christians.

Leadership.  Participation.  Being big and strong in faith.  Living by every last virtue that by now have become common sense.

More of the downtown.

So yeah, I was a Downtown Christian.  Which meant, from the point of view of worldly wisdom, that I ain't too pretty and ain't too proud.  And a bad boy.  Either that or a weak Christian, someone who needed an Uptown Girl to lead him and reform him.  I was half-hidden behind some sort of worldly barrier.

That boat never sailed in part because of the simple assumption that Uptown Christians lead Downtown Christians and not the other way around.  Yet, I look at that Billy Joel song, and he's asking her to say "I'm yours and you are my man!"  In Christian circles — let's face it — we still believe in something that doesn't entirely jibe well with modern feminism, that a husband is supposed to lead his wife.  That's one of the values that we have.  That's attractive, desirable, virtuous.

God chose the meek in order to shame the mighty.  Likewise, what's to say that a Downtown Christian can't lead an Uptown Christian in their spirituality?

"She's getting tired of all her high class toys and all the presents from her Uptown Boys..."

"You know, I can't afford to buy her pearls..."

When we're not such Uptown Christians ourselves, or at least not in the same ways as our peers, where does that leave us?  What can we give them?  If I had a close friend or a wife who regularly went on mission trips, for example, wouldn't it be a detriment to them to maintain a close relationship with regular old, grounded me?  Sometimes I worry, too, that I might marry someone who won't be of the slightest help to me as a writer.  That is a mission I hope to consummate someday.

The Downtown Spirit, a compassion only attainable to the lowly and poor in spirit.

During a Christian Q&A session at Sunnybrook, married couples told college students about Christian relationships.  The two sexes split up into separate group sessions, and the men were tutored by the wives while the women were tutored by the husbands.  Someone asked whether or not it was a good idea to marry someone who only just recently became Christian.  The wives we were asking these questions to concluded that it was a bad idea.  "You need someone with the same level of spiritual maturity than you and who is at about the same point in her Christian walk as you are."

That's very interesting advice, and I understand why they had to give it.  I related to it, and I understand that this boundary must be in place, in a sense.  I can't recommend any man to take a wife who will be spiritually unhealthy for him.  Furthermore, I can't recommend any marriage where one party feels the need to condescend, look down on, or feel pity for the other.  No man should ever enter into a relationship that tempts him toward developing a savior complex.  I relate to that.

What I don't relate to is people who would think it odd that I would value mission trips and marry someone who has gone on a dozen before I even got a start in the field.  I don't think that this would make us unevenly yoked.  It would be an issue if I inhibited her from being her truest self and doing the things that she loved, or vice versa.  I would hate it I married someone who couldn't bond with me as a writer.  At that point, we're no longer talking about comparing spirituality test scores.  We're talking about something else.

In both cases, I don't think that this relationship advice is about who's more developed than who.  I think it's about our attitudes toward each other that really make a difference.  Do we really see each other as husband and wife, or does one of us treat the other like an older sibling?  Or see themselves that way?  And when talking about who's further along, let's be honest, it's not about that.  There's no measuring stick for how developed someone is in their faith, per se.  Once you're in, you're in.  You are Christlike.  What we're really concerned about are basic matters of maturity.

Philia, "friendship love"

Quite simply, we give each other love.  It's a generic answer, but it's true.  That's how we build that bridge.  That, and by Christ's death and resurrection we are afforded Grace so that we may be saved, and in all that we do our true humanity shines through.  Since everything is already accomplished for us, we don't have to worry about how someone else advances our "growth" in Christ.  We don't have to worry about who we should label as "Christian associates" and who we should elevate to being "Christian peers."  We're allowed to enjoy relationships for their own sake — people for their own sake.

Love has made an amazing difference in my life.  The most Christian people I have ever met were not the people you would expect me to call Christian.  There was one, a friend who was practically Downtown Christ reincarnate, who never even said a religious word in our conversations together.  Then there was my father.

Ah, him.

Perhaps I should end by using this man as a positive example.  In all my life, I meet many Christians.  Every once and a while I personally canonize some of them.  My father is one of those special elect.

He doesn't talk about his Christian faith too often, except to me, his son.  Generally speaking, he just goes out and works odd jobs every day.  Once upon a time, he was a carpenter, and for a few years now I will be following in his footsteps before moving into something more ministerial.  It's interesting that I flinch when I think of it that way, because of the evident parallel between myself and Jesus' story.  How often do we consider ourselves unworthy of menial labor?

My father is a very broken person.  If you were his son or daughter, you would know what I mean.  He's often a bad role model, and someone who I generally don't want to be like.  Except for one thing: His stubborn, not-so-pretty adherence to salvation through Grace.  He might mention something else about his faith, but he absolutely refuses to forget that it all stems from Grace.

Because of that, everything else he does becomes elevated.  I see something spiritual in his walk, even when it doesn't look Christian in the slightest.  He's a man of the world, and by that I mean the earth.  Literally, the earth.  Dirt.  He's a farmer's son.  Our family name, Hooyer, literally translates to "Hayer," or "One who hays."  (this is not to be confused with "One to hazes," so don't get any ideas next semester for newcomers to your fraternity, Mitchell)  The word for "hay" in Dutch is sort of like the word for "fish."  A person who catches fish fishes and is a fisher.  A person who farms hay hays and is a hayer.  So for generations, we've been hay farmers.  It's in our name.  It's part of our historic identity, bought for us by the sweat of a forefather from another hemisphere.

It's really hard to describe it, but a simple man with bad manners who almost never does anything religious spiritually leads me.  I don't necessarily have an intimate relationship with him the way I'd like to.  There's something rigid that keeps us apart, as with any family dysfunction.  But he has an intimate relationship with himself, simply by working and practicing stewardship over the earth.  It's incredibly humble.

Someone once criticized me for my deep respect for my father as an exemplar, a shining beacon that has helped guide my Christian faith.  "You say your father is so Christian — you've admitted that you've never seen him pray!"

Die.  That infidel.  He accused me of wanting to punch him, but honestly, what did he expect?  He slandered my father to my face, intending it as an insult against both him and me (In the name of love, I assure you!).  It angered me.

Like I said, my father isn't good at doing all of those religious things.  He has a very unassuming spirituality.  And if you dare criticize him in the manner that the one person did, I will end any friendship that we might have had.  If someone has rejected my father, then they reject what Jesus has accomplished for him.  And they put their faith in religion.

My father doesn't do that, and personally I see it.  I see it in the areas that matter, because I understand the parts of him that are truly authentic.  He's freed to be truly himself, truly human, and I as his son feel that he lives into that promise.

So at the end of the day, maybe there's more of an Uptown Christ in Downtown Christians than we usually give them credit for.  After all, they live up to that admirable virtue of spirituality without ever even calling it that.  It's just less stylized.  So let's compliment them on that!  They truly are just as Uptown as the rest of us!  Even so, I prefer to think of the Downtown Christ is the Christ that we need to pay more attention to, and on a very personal level I am more in awe of this person than I ever will be of the gold-trimmed portrait.

Sincerely,
John Hooyer

Imprisoned

Mitchell, Brody, Shannon, and Shelby,

Also Levi and Valerie,

Further dedication to my many friends who have actively shared Christ,

There's a friend of mind in the Air Force.  She's a cool person, and I respect her.  Personally, I have an interest in potentially joining the Air Force someday, but I'm holding back on that decision for now.  At the moment, it doesn't seem right to jump into something like that.  It takes a giant leap of faith, and at one time it was tempting to say that this would have been my way of putting that faith completely in God, but right not it feels like it would be more of an investment in human planning.

So I'm not in the Air Force.  Although I love Air Force members.  I treat them as people truly worth associating with, truly worth being proud in.  They're the type of people I like to keep in my extended group of peers.

That's where something tricky comes up.  Sometimes they say things about non-airmen that are sort of disrespectful.  Not all civilians in general, but people who say that they admire the Air Force, and I don't know if I'm included in that sentiment or not.  It's sound like, "How lame of you to say that you admire the Air Force and don't actually have the actions to back it up!"  Or, "You talk the talk without walking the walk.  You secretly just hate the Air Force but give it lip service in order to make you feel better."

Or maybe she might just take objection to being considered a peer.  I don't know, Adriana, you tell me.

I'm proud of the Air Force.  I like to associate myself with the Air Force and show my support, even if I'm not in it myself.  And some would consider that pretty wimpy.

I dunno.  I'm still considering joining before age becomes an issue.

Even so, if I never do, I feel I will be somewhat judged forevermore by Air Force members when I say "That's so cool!  I really wanted to join it, too, but it wasn't the right thing for me..."

Which, let's admit it, isn't the best wording.  A better way of saying that would be "I felt God calling me somewhere else."  Nonetheless, I'm trying to convey that I feel a common bond, a shared spirit.  It hurts when people say subtle things that put down others who aren't fully baptized in the name of the President, and the Flag, and the Living Constitution.  I'm trying to live out a life as God has it planned for me, even if its direction doesn't immediately appear as obvious as someone with a name for their mission.

There are certain other people who say things like "Once you join the Marines, you can't hang out with normal people again.  There's just no way."  It's as if people who aren't at the top of their game are somehow less of people as those who are.  Unless I'm Batman, I'm simply not as real to them.  Maybe even a hippie.

Ironically, these military men and women hang out quite a bit with normal people.  And say it to our faces.  And at the same time, they're not insulting us.  Chris Avery said something to that extent to Eston, Mark, the other Chris, and me, back when we were in college together.  We just nodded our heads in agreement.  "Yes," we agreed.  We completely agreed.  "Those civilians aren't as commendable as Marines."

Somehow, we also said this without condemning ourselves.

We believe in Semper fi.  And of course, I suppose that many of us who aren't in the military really respect that creed while at the same time not including ourselves a part of that faithful brotherhood.  We're just glad that our military men support us, and from that we have a bond.  We aren't united as Marines or Air Force members, but on a broader level, we're all Americans filled with the Living Constitution in our hearts.

It still feels hard, though.  If I never join, if I never take advantage of my youth and put it wholeheartedly into service in the Service, there's a good chance I will regret it.  Think of all the ways in which it could inspire me as a writer!

But then, I'll have experiences that will make me into who I am, and I will be quite happy for them.  I won't imagine things turning out any other way than the way they did.  Because that's reality.  That will be me, and it's a paradox of self-hatred to hate myself.  I'll see where it all led, and on some level understand what God in His omniscience sees in me.

When I thought about this military service the other day, my thoughts flowed to a bigger question, something even more on my mind on account of the then upcoming Elevate Conference.

A lot of my friends have gone on mission trips.  Monica McConnell, Justin Gloudemans, Eston Adamson, and Paige Rensink, Bridget Rowe — all of you and much more.  If we haven't had the time for those, I know many of us have time to be spiritual leaders, to actively reach out and make a difference in the Christian community.  We start Bible study groups.  We lead in praise times.  We get involved in youth ministry.  We create Christian art.

I write blogs entries to a small audience of four close friends.

Now, there's no shame in that, but I feel grounded.  My life is busy right now.  Before, I had ambitions of creating impressive artwork.  There were ideas in my mind that I really wanted to turn into a reality, ways of understanding my faith that I couldn't express with words, but I could surely put into images that would make lasting impressions.

However, I have not been able to prolong that habit.  Life got in the way.  So I write blog entries.

For everything that I did build, for every flower I did add to the Garden, I'm happy.  Really, that art, every time I look at it, speaks of an infinity.  Even so, it's witin my very nature to continue.  Art is my love.

Writing is, too.  So I'm still living the Christian life.

But what happens when life becomes so pressing that I don't have much time to be Christian for anyone but myself?

Many of us probably couldn't afford to go on a mission trip.  We probably all had busy lives that ruled them out as impractical additions to our schedule and budget.  Yet, somehow, many of you persevered and made that leap anyway, in spite of everything holding you back.  You went.  You also wondered how this would be financially possible, and the God who created the universe provided you your daily bread.  They went out there and they made that difference.

At least, so we romanticize that notion.

Paige Rensink wonders what I have sometimes wondered.  We go, stick around for a few weeks, a full summer if we're feeling generous, but when that time is up, we go rushing back to our homes in order to continue our educations.  We rarely put lives on hold, but instead use our vacations as an excuse to go our and do something exciting.  We make a difference, but we don't have any intention of staying.  There are people who need us, but we make ourselves feel better by saying that maybe just building a schoolhouse for them is enough.

Maybe our mission trips are nothing more than spiritual tourism.

So that puts people like me, who contributes his two pennies by writing a blog, in a better light, right?  I'm not capable of giving much, but I'm writing for the sake of Christ!  And the artist, who offers little tangible for this world, opens the granary doors of spiritual nourishment.  For all who stop, look, and listen, we are there.

Well, I came into another problem.  When I say that I'm grounded, I really, really am grounded.  These blog entries are a sacrifice.  They take up my time, time that could be used to study and complete my homework.  Time that I could spend reading and learning more for the sake of others.

Maybe this entry is a waste of my time.

You see, I'm falling behind on school because of my attempts to express my faith every day.  That's a sacrifice, but is it altogether a noble one?

I write this in a culture of Christian evangelism, where in spite of what we hear about the world today, there are still many Christians who every day show that they have faith.  They strengthen the body as a whole.  They do good things in the eyes of the Lord.  They look back at their last few months and can definitely see how they have managed to live for Christ.

Then there are people who are busy.  I don't feel particularly ashamed of my inability to go on a mission trip.  I am very, very happy for those who have — even those who think that maybe they only accomplished spiritual tourism, because you never know how God plans to use that.  I'm not jealous.  I love writing and love art and I know that God uses this in remarkable ways.

The questions I have, though, is whether or not people would see me as a peer.  Or a hypocrite.

When I say, "I want to join the Air Force!" and yet don't join, it looks bad.  If you disagree, imagine if I said that to a woman in the Air Force and then later asked her out on a date, intending — as proper Christian men do — to marry her.  The chemistry simply doesn't match up.  I want to be something.  She already is that something.  And if I never actually joined the Air Force while still holding the attitude that I would if I had the time, she would probably leave me because she didn't see me as someone who could spiritually lead her.

Imagine that same situation, except with a woman who had been on a mission trip or two.  I say "I hope to go over to Asia, which may or may not work out in the next few years."  But I write a blog!  I create art!

In the end, I suppose it comes down to how gracious she is.  Maybe she would consider me a peer, even if there was no guarantee that I would indeed to go India or China or Turkey.  Maybe she would see me as someone strong in Christ, living a life along a distinct vector line drawn by Him, and even consider me to spiritually lead her.  So rarely, though, that's what I feel.

When I ran into someone, and old acquaintance whom I undoubtedly considered the most beautiful woman on the planet, I felt a little off.  She was a leader in her small groups.  She went to Christian leadership conferences.  When I last saw her, she mentioned how she and her friends had shared the wonderful experience of going to another continent in order to share the Gospel of Christ.

Oh, and she respected me as a cool guy.

Being the human I am, full of that inexplicable stuff of thought, my mind raced around to create all sorts of interpretations of that situation.  I wondered what her family would think if I asked her out and she took me home.  Would her father or mother or siblings think that she could do better?  Would it really be possible for someone who never had time to join a nearby Bible study or commune every day with a Christian brotherhood to spiritually lead her?  Is she simply more advanced than me?

That's the future.  I still think about those things, and in many ways they don't matter.  It's a hypothetical situation (one that nonetheless captures my interest), so my my current life plans don't really take it into account.

But let's take this somewhere else.  Levi, you have now on several occasions told me that I am the smartest person you know.  Several people in high school told me the same thing, even though I didn't have the best grades in senior year and I never got accepted into the National Honor Society.  Rebekah Duikhyzen told me something that still haunts me and frustrates me half a year later: "I think you're one of the most loving people I know and that you rarely ever think of yourself."

People tell me these things, that I'm smart, that I'm loving, and I don't feel it.  I'm a miserable student, and my ability to "do the Christian thing" is either severely handicapped, or completely ethereal.  It is very difficult to accept that I am who they say that I am.

See, I'm in a prison.  I see others who are very free to live for Christ.  They are empowered.  They take leaps of faith and are rewarded for it.  Even if they do financially struggle for it, they know it's the right thing, whereas I may have to discontinue even this blog, and other Christian friends have even agreed with me on that point.

I am very happy for those friends.  I'm also sad...not for myself, but for this blog.

Even if I can't continue writing this, if my prison of schooling and work prevent me, maybe I'm freer than I thought.  Maybe prison is no prison after all.  If the overt act of "doing the Christian thing" is really just a selfish ambition, what then?

The Apostle Paul wrote from prison:

Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel.  As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ.

If to live is Christ, then this purgatory I've put myself in is really a glimpse of Heaven.  And I see it, too.  The pragmatist.  The part of me that, if you put your faith in leaps of faith, you might call "the wisdom of this world."

Last month I grew a Walt Disney mustache.  He was a man well-accustomed with sorrow.  He had to work from the bottom, deal with people who stole his intellectual property, only to finally gain a foothold and start making progress.  This man was a visionary.  He was someone who looked at nothing and saw something.

I work as a student with little time for Christian networking.  I work at McDonald's, where the work environment prevents me from having conversations about my faith.  From a religious perspective, there's nothing Christian about it.  From a Christian perspective, there's a peculiar something to it.

This prison that prevents me from being overtly Christian did not come about because I'm without Christ.  I put myself through this precisely for Christ.  I have a vision.  I also understand where this could all go, what I could learn, and what I can make of it all for His sake.  It just doesn't show up on the radar of worldly wisdom.  My vision, in fact, is not all that different from Walt Disney's, because I see so many possibilities that could really make a big difference someday.

I am very happy for those who have been able to share the work of Christ.  I'm with you guys in spirit, and I also really appreciate your support.  It amazes me that you have the Grace to say that I'm Christian even when I don't see it in myself, and your support has given me joy at this point in my life.  It has especially given me faith in Christ, that He truly can make His presence known even in the lowest of sinners.

So many Christians live their lives feeling as if all they have contributed to the Kingdom of God was "blah."  But God says to the student falling behind on grades, "You're smart."  And because He says it not as encouragement, but because it becomes a reality when it's in His Word.  He also says to the foolish person, "You are wise."  He says to the meek, "You are mighty."  He says to the unloving person, "You have loved Me."

Our ability to live our the mission on practical terms isn't freedom.  Imprisonment from active missions and church fellowship doesn't inhibit freedom.  Freedom comes from the Word of God.

Now, the bad news.  I will not be able to write in this blog nearly as much as I would like to.  It's a wonderful way of expressing my faith, but on most days I will have to live life without living up to religious expectations.  It's a sacrifice to write in this blog; it is a sacrifice to give it up.  I talked it over with Vaags and she agrees that I need to focus on getting past this current transition point in my life.  "Everyone goes through it," she said.  Which my mother did, and I know my mother would tell me the same thing.  I've been pinned.

I do truly hope to write again soon.

Until then, know that God has a plan and truly works in wonderful, mysterious ways.  Always be glad for your brothers and sisters in faith.

Yes, I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.  I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.  For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Sincerely,
John Hooyer