Response to "Eleven Things I've Learned About Forgiveness"

Mitchell, Brody, Silly, and Shelby,

But in particular, Silly.  I said that I would call you that for the rest of the month, and today is the last day in March, so I figured I'd get around to that response to your blog entry, Eleven Things I've Learned About Forgiveness, now.  One, because I said I would.  Two, because this will give me as many opportunities as I can, in one entry, to call you Silly before April comes.

1) Posting a public list of insults against you is probably not for healing; it’s for sweet revenge. Knock it off. {I say this aggressively to myself, because it’s so classic and tempting.}

I guess I've never been tempted to rationalize one of these lists this way.  In any case, if I were to publicly list the sins someone committed against me, it would be because I wanted justice, not mercy.  And that's to say that justice isn't a bad thing.  There are times were I think that someone's sins should be known, because for the types of issues at hand it's important.  So in other words, I think the question is whether or not my desire for justice is marred with vengeful thoughts.

2) Going to sympathetic friends when you are hurt & wounded is not your first step towards forgiving the offender; it’s your first step towards hating the offender. Because good friends empathize and tell you what a beep beep beeeeep your offender is, they will fuel your fire of hatred. But great friends…great friends will empathize, love on you, give you all the hugs {physical or virtual}, and then move you toward a better version of yourself–a version not twisted with hatred.

Sometimes I wonder if a friend should sometimes actually sympathize with you and share your sense of justice.  As in, there are times when people have hurt me, and when I'm angry about it and go to a friend to talk about it, I really don't want them to play Devil's Advocate.  I do want them to be genuinely sympathetic.

However, I do also want a friend who who will steer me to being my best self and try to prevent me from wallowing in hatred.  I don't want them to do this by judging me for my hatred, though.

As it happens, I can think of that one grudge I had a year ago.  It was very strong.  I still have it, but I at least it isn't as strong now and it isn't directing my life.  Shelby, you and Justin really helped me wrestle with this, and I'm also glad that you really waited.  Hannah also waited for half a year before saying that the person in question really wasn't worth it.

As best as I can describe this experience, it played like this: You guys didn't necessarily reflect my passions the same way I did.  I wouldn't expect you to, since it was my own struggle.  You weren't part of that world and couldn't take ownership of the conflict in the way that I could.  It was uniquely my own.  I wouldn't want you to be quite as angry as me, although I did definitely want people to be on my side.  I wanted people who understood why I felt as wronged as I had been.

Otherwise, I guess I did hope for my friends who help me reach a resolution.  I'm not sure what I wanted.

In any case, those are my thoughts.  Not too different from yours, actually.  Although I'm trying to think of the best examples of what that looks like.  That, and I think that the unconditional love of the friend is the most important thing, and that we should love our friends regardless of whether or not they ever truly come up from that hatred.

And yeah, Silly, you were of help, too.  I know you were looking at me impatiently and waiting for me to give you your due.  Now you can stop it with that look.  No seriously.  Stop it.  You're freaking me out!

3) Sometimes you need to say goodbye to past people and things before you can say hello to new people and things. Say goodbye properly. Process through it.

This is more or less what I've done.  It wasn't truly forgiveness, though.  There are things that I don't think I can truly forgive.  I merely move on and decide that I'm not going to think about it anymore.

4) Forgiving the obvious sins of your offender is difficult enough, but forgiving the subtle nuances of things that drive you crazy and make you mad and don’t make sense is WAY HARDER. Because there’s no logical reason that something so small should drive you so crazy; it just does. 

Figure it out. Put a finger on all the little things twisting your mind up with bitterness. Bring it to God and ask him to wash it away. Or if you can’t let go of it yet, if your brain simply needs one. more. thing. to hold against your offender, beg God to set you free.

Usually I can put a finger on the little things because I'm aware from a very early stage why they irk me.  I don't know, though, that's just me.  They certainly add fuel to the problem, though, and make it more real for me.

5) Don’t be afraid of admitting to God all of those “stupid little things” that made you mad. Trust me, He gets it. Remember that our great High Priest is able to “empathize with our weaknesses,” for He “has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet he did not sin.” {Hebrews 4:15} Jesus was probably tempted to be bitter towards Judas for betraying Him–a big thing. But Jesus was probably also tempted to be bitter when Judas stepped on the back of his sandal or cut him off on His way to the well–all of those “stupid little things” that add up. All of those “stupid little things” matter to God, because they matter to you. He’d love to hear about them from you. He’d love to process through them with you. He’d love to take them away from you.

You know, those stupid little things often don't bother us too much, when you look at the big picture.  99% of the time, they annoy us for one second, and then our attention gets diverted.  Just because we don't hold it over their heads, though, it doesn't mean that we forgave them.  It's more like we turned those small little things into infinitesimal, nonexistent things.

6) It’s okay to be tired. Allow yourself to be tired. Forgiving someone is exhausting. You may look like crap; you may be pale; you may have eye bags turning into Darth Vader’s helmet. Remember that you are beautiful.

Very helpful advice for someone struggling with forgiveness.  I think that it's basically what you guys allowed of me.  I got very, very tired and you guys still treated me like I was beautiful and worthwhile.

7) Don’t yell at yourself for being a jerk. Or being a doormat. Or being weak. Don’t feel shame about yourself–period. We all have our unshining moments. And God still loves us.

The duality of either being a doormat or a jerk reminds me of the book Boundaries.  Great book!  But yeah, there are different ways of going about unforgiveness.  When you're a jerk, you're overconfident in yourself as an agent of justice.  When you're being a doormat, you're using superficial forgiveness as a means of avoiding real forgiveness.

We do that because we're broke.  We're corrupt, spiritually bankrupt people, and we fall short all the time.  Yet, we're forgiven.  God expects us to forgive us, and yet...Somehow, even when we don't, He's surprisingly merciful and very patient.

So it's basically really important to always recognize how you are forgiven for not forgiving your neighbor before you can even begin the process of actually forgiving your neighbor.

8) You have been hurt, and you can admit it. I affirm your right to feel hurt. Mourn for yourself and for the hurt that you feel. Feeling hurt is part of being human. And God loves you for being human. He made you to be human. He likes you best this way. He doesn’t condemn you for feeling hurt. In fact, He feels your hurt and longs to heal it.

Wow, Silly!  Your wording here is so strong!  I don't have any additional thoughts, because you captured so well what I might have said, only much shorter.

9) Accept love. If you feel at your ugliest–unlovable and unworthy of love–then you need love the most right now. Let God love on you. Let your friends and family love on you. [And if no one is, if no one sees how desperate you are for love–ask them. Ask them to love on you.]

Thanks for the advice about asking.  That's actually a novel idea to me that I need to repeatedly remind myself.

10) Understand where your offender is coming from. See things from his perspective. If he is lashing out to hurt you and make you feel unloved and unlovable, that’s probably how he feels: unloved and unlovable. Apologize, when you can–especially now that you know what it feels like. Acknowledge that you played a role in making him feel like crap. Acknowledge that he played a role in making you feel like crap. Acknowledge that you have both hurt each other deeply; mourn that.

I don't necessarily think that this is forgiveness so much as immersing ourselves in accountability.  It's being more wise in our judgment.  It's recognizing that we both need forgiveness.  But in some ways, I really don't think that this really has to do with forgiveness so much as rationalizing away bad deeds, both those of our own and those of our neighbor, until we reach the point where we've decided that there's nothing to forgive.

Otherwise, it's good advice, but I want to be realistic about all the other things that are required.

11) Move on. If you have legitimately forgiven someone and feel at peace with him in your soul–move on. If you haven’t forgiven someone and are still festering, stay there until you heal. Don’t rush the forgiveness process just because you want to be rid of the offender. Chances are, if you still want “to be rid of” him, you haven’t truly forgiven him. And that bitterness will eat you up. It will make you an uglier version of your beautiful self. {psst! It’s not worth it!}

I think that very often we equate moving on with forgiveness.  I don't.  I really don't.  I think that all those times when I've moved on, I really just didn't want to deal with the hatred anymore.  And it did a lot of good for me, truly.  At the same time, no, it wasn't ideal.  I never truly forgave.  I just put those things on the backburner once they no longer became relevant to whatever I was doing at the moment.

Alright, that's it.  I responded to Silly's entry, like I said I would.  It feels good to have that out of the way.  Make sure to check out her blog at Silly Sparkle!

Yet, about a month ago I went to this thing with Shelby called the Elevate Conference.  Levi and Valerie were there.  We had an interesting conversation about forgiveness.  I think I will share some of my thoughts on that tomorrow.

Sincerely,
John Hooyer