Holy Reading

Mitchell, Brody, Shannon, and Shelby

I felt closer to my calling when I was a welder, and I really hope to get into the profession again, although it will most likely require that I move.  These blog entries have become less frequent now, but they were pretty frequent when I trained in a college shop, walked a total of five or six miles a day, worked at McDonald's, arrived home at midnight, and resigned to an empty apartment with no Wi-Fi.  Something about that seems counter-intuitive, since loneliness depresses me, and I get my energy from friendship.


It was interesting, though, spending so much time by myself.  It gave me an opportunity to examine myself in a new way and feel out my calling, once social concerns took away some of my bias.  It also allowed me to pass the time with my new friend.


In my dusty living room, stashed in the corner, was a stand with my small, private library of books.  I made a vow to myself that I would read some of them, and I did.  On restless nights when sleep just didn't come, they helped me pass the time.

But it wasn't out of nerdy interest.  "I love books!" is a very sophisticated way of saying "I need a pacifier for adults!"  Which was true, for me.  I would have gone insane without something to read.  Most especially, I needed to really dig in and study some of the Epistles of the New Testament in greater depth, and allow it all to soak in.  Then there were the other books, like The Case For Christ and The Reason for Faith and Building a Contageous Church.  Some of them were more intriguing reads than the others, but what they all had in common was a calling.  Every time I read one of those books, I felt like I was more than just intrigued, but called to read them.  It felt like a duty, a purpose.

Books mean quite a bit to me.  I have a bigger shelf now, and many more books to go on that shelf.  I've taken pictures of some of them, but there's even more to look at.  I picked up many books either for real cheap or for free, and often found myself wondering "Wow?  What's the point in getting another one if I don't think that I could possibly read all these throughout my lifetime?"  It's a legitimate concern, but setting that aside, I do intend on reading all that I have.  The simple reason for that is "knowledge is power," but since those words don't resonate with me and only partially explain my interest, I think that I need to go into more detail.


It is very true that knowledge is invaluable.  I greatly desire the wisdom that books can provide.  They make me well-rounded, more objective, and more responsible.  I look at the subject matters of the books and realize, "I want to know all about that!"  So I read them, and feel equipped.


Then there's the aspect that goes beyond the mere utilitarian use of reading and research.  I feel paternal and like I'm fulfilling a responsibility to the people that I love.  Moreover, as I reach out to these authors and develop an author-reader relationship by reading their works, I feel connected.   It may seem one-way, but I still get this sense that I'm in community with them. When that happens, I can tell that I'm immersed in the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit is a Spirit of community.  Even when I'm reading the painful, atheistic works of Mark Twain in Letters from the Earth, I find the Holy Spirit active in me, calling me to love.


Knowledge may indeed be power, but it's a power that I pursue as a steward over Creation.  Knowledge makes me a better steward, and God created me as a steward.  God also created me to worship, and knowledge increases my worship.  The more I know, the more I learn to appreciate the beauty of God's creation.  A true man involves himself in such things.  As a scholar in pursuit of knowledge, I get to know Him more by underlining the important information in these books, bt as a Christian reading with the help of the Holy Spirit, I also get to know Him by seeing His work through these authors and how he uses them, and I must allow these books to influence me in a way that is suitably holy.

A good Jewish man embraces scholarship, and I think of how Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof values these things.  Scholarship is a worshipful exercise.  He would have ideally married his daughters to such men, and I can't blame him.  The more I read, the more I feel like I'm preparing myself to spiritually lead my future wife and be a blessing to her.  I feel more paternal and ready to raise children wisely and lovingly.  For everyone else, I feel just a little bit more engaged in the church by entering into the author-reader relationship.  And when I read, I feel like I'm talking with God, like it's a form of prayer.


Not everyone is meant to be a bookworm, but I think that I'm one of those people who's called to be one.  It's one of my spiritual gifts.  The deeper I am in this past time, the closer I am to who I was meant to be, the more I see the Holy Spirit's work in my life.  I feel more Christlike when I'm reading, not that Jesus was a bookworm, but in the sense that I discover my intended humanity, the human being in me that is married to Jesus' name and is truly holy in the eyes of God.  Whether I read books or not, it's there.  That holiness is part of me, now.  It's part of my nature in Christ.


Sincerely,
John Hooyer

When Personality Conflicts with Character

Tiffany Maxwell: crazy personality with a heart of gold.

Mitchell, Brody, Shannon, and Shelby,

What, did you think that I completely gave up on this blog?  No!  Although it will be quite weird, since after all, Shelby is now Grand Dutchess of Gloudemans and probably has some lovely "Justin Time" to delight in, and Shannon now officially no longer uses the internet.  What's the point in addressing these to half of you guys, anyway?

No matter, there's a not-so-simple subject at hand that I'm not sure how to address.  Heck, I'm not so sure I even know if I have a thesis statement for even defining what the subject is.  So let me stat by explaining how these recent thoughts of mine came about.

You all know Tiffany Ortman (just kidding: no you don't).  She graduated from the University of South Dakota with a psychology degree.  What was it, five years?  I forget, but a lot of years.  She knows more about psychology than I ever will.  A couple of years ago, I talked with her about God's sovereign pan, free will, and people with Down Syndrome.  Not a pleasant topic, if you're open to the possibility that it's possible for people with cognitive disorders to go to Hell if they don't embrace the Gospel.  Wouldn't that thought depress you just a little bit, especially if you had a cousin with Down Syndrome?

Thanks to Star Wars, she and I have been talking again.  Thank God for amazing pieces of popular art that bring us together, right?  Right.  But since we began talking, the door opened for other topics of conversations.  Missions.  Trouble with raising money.  College.  Insecurities.  Youth group stuff.  God's plan for us.

And finally, for these last few days, the subject of personality disorders.  We had to be certain that we knew what we were talking about: personality disorders are not the same as cognitive defects.  I brought it up because of (what else?) Star Wars.  Some people have always found Anakin Skywalker's transformation to the Dark Side to be quite unconvincing, but some psychologists have looked at his behavior and diagnosed him with different personality disorders.  I do find it helpful to point out that he did indeed have personality disorders, but I also wonder if anyone reading these sorts of things and agreeing with them might fall into the rationale that "Of course he wouldn't have turned to the Dark Side if he had a normal personality such as ourselves.  I'm fortunate that I don't have any personality disorders and am not capable of these things.  Evil and dysfunction are only possible in a person whose psychology operates under a different set of rules than what is common in humans."

My outlook on it is that those personality disorders weren't controlling him, though.  It's not like they were elements alien to the normal rules of psychology, thought patterns that could not have possibly existed in a normal brain.  These personality disorders weren't additions to normal personality.  I think that normal thought patterns actually got exaggerated and deformed.  I think that there's a lot about himself that he brought about with his own free will.  He wasn't a good steward over Creation, which included his personality.  So that I say is not "Look at what personality disorders can do!"so much as "You don't know what personalities are capable of."

Really, you don't.  Supposedly, Gandhi and Hitler were of the same Myers-Briggs personality type: INFJ.  Could you tell?  No, they're completely different.  Within just one personality type, two people with similar inclinations made decisions that set them down completely different paths.  I don't quite know how to explain it, but they had different spirits within their spiritual walks.  Clearly, anybody is possible of great evil.

In fact, everybody is capable of great evil and commits it all the time.  It isn't just people with clinically diagnosed personality disorders.  Everyone sins and fails to live up to the perfect order that God created.  Everyone is twisted.  Sin is the ultimate personality disorder, and we all have it.  I think that just about any personality disorder is an extension of that one disorder that we all already have.

But let's get technical, now.  Are we all just walking lumps of personality?  Do our personalities define everything that we're going to do?  Does God just wind us up with personality and let us go?  That would imply that we don't have free will, though.

Which gets me to the subject of this entry.  We have character.  I'm an incredibly vicious ENTP personality.  But then I think about my future wife, and what sort of man I want to be for her.  Still very ENTP at heart, but then I think of some of the sinful weaknesses of my personality, inclinations that I'd rather not have.  There comes a moment when, because of my values and my commitment to God, that my natural personality goes against my character.  If I have a personality disorder to be ADHD or OCD, for example, I would try my best to set their drawbacks aside in order to be a stronger person for those I love.

After all, they're only personality disorders, and we sometimes do act out-of-personality.  We also sometimes act out-of-character, a term I think we're all much more familiar with.  The point is, though, it's not like they're cognitive impairments or learning disabilities.  There's an extent to which personality can be helped.  If there's something in our personality that inclines toward sin and goes against the order of God --- disruptive sarcasm, pessimism, irreverence, strong emotional attachments to negative memories --- then we can obey the Holy Spirit that calls us to take those aspects of ourselves and deny them if we must, but otherwise do a good work on those aspects of our personalities so that they are no longer in disorder, that they conform to the order of God.

So...what does this mean for me?  Let's look at a few aspects of who I am.  I'm stubborn.  Although it often scares me, I really don't mind making enemies.  I can be gentle in my desires, but mean-spirited in my practical application of those desires.  I stand up for others, although at the same time I'm not naturally empathetic.  I get angry with my computer.  I make lame jokes.  I want to get off Tatooine and go on an adventure.  I'm creative, try to use new ideas in order to make old traditions even more beautiful, proud of my heritage, and so forth.

There's a lot of good there, but what about the lack of empathy?  How does that bring glory to God?  Yes, it's part of my nature, but that's my sinful human nature.  The only good I can sluice from this is that it does serve to protect me so that I can better go about my other strengths, and that it's a spiritual gift God gave to others over me.  But what about my pride of heritage, family, and personal history?  On one hand, it's a gift that I don't live in shame.  On the other hand: pride.  That's not so good.  I boast in Christ, and nothing more.  This is a personality trait that might have otherwise been good, but it does get distorted for evil.  Granted, no psychologist will call it a personality disorder any time soon, but something wicked in my character, something that isn't the Holy Spirit draws me in to accept subtle forms of pride that drive a wedge in-between myself and God.

What about that beloved God-given talent for my stories?  It's a beautiful gift, but sometimes I think I idolize it, and it fails to bring glory to God as it was intended to.  My God-given personality and talents are put to waste because of my sinful disorder.  This goes against God.  It goes against my character, or at least the character of the Holy Spirit that lives within me and reshapes my own spirit.  Yet, there is still sin in my humanity, and I distort God's gifts unto disorder.

Who's the culprit here?  My personality?  My character?  Certainly not God's character.  When talking psychology, I have a hard time wrapping my head around all of this, because the fine line between nature, nurture, and free will is very difficult to trace out, and at times the concepts really all seem jumbled.

What I think I can say with certainty is that personality disorders are distortions of God-given personality traits that are already there, but were made for another purpose.  Sin is the driving force behind any damaging personality disorder.  When we fight for our psychological well-being, our objective is to purge ourselves of sin.  When we do this, our core personality remains, but with its sinful nature kept in check so that we may better glorify God.  The personality trait or traits that were disordered is restored to its original beautiful purpose for which God made it.  No personality disorder is an all-new trait alien to the personality that God created for us.  Our goal is not to discover an ideal personality, but rather to use the attributes we already have in such a way that is consistent with the character of the Holy Spirit within us.  And because the Holy Spirit is in us, in a way we can also say that His character is ours as well.

In short: Personality good!  Disorder bad.  We absolutely should not be ashamed of our personalities or see personality disorders as reasons to think that our personalities are flaws.  There's no need to change who we are.  They're merely signs that we still have much to discover about our true selves, and God is inviting us to do so.

Sincerely,
John Hooyer